The Hawks’ Nest


Floor Hockey Lessons
July 2, 2010, 2:04 pm
Filed under: Winterhawks

Sorry for the prolonged blogging absence. Having a baby does that to you. You know what else having a baby does? Cuts significantly into my “me” time. Especially being it was our second. With one kid, my wife and I were able to trade off. Now the numbers have been evened. How am I supposed to watch Wipeout in peace with at least one kid always around? It’s impossible.

Anyway, another reason I’ve been absent from the blog lately is we just completed our second week of floor hockey clinics around town, and I was drafted to be one of the instructors, meaning I’m not in the office much these days.

After two weeks of floor hockey, I’ve learned the following things:

-I’m really out of shape.

-All disputes among children under 12 can only be solved with relentless yelling. Calm, measured discourse serving to find a middle ground? Not a chance. If two kids both want to take a faceoff for their team, voices will be raised, faces will turn red, tears will be shed, and I will stand there helplessly.

-Kids don’t like it when adults come in on net and fire wrist shots to the top corner.

-Kids need to better learn how to protect the top corner.

-No, I mean I’m really out of shape.

-You can spend a good 5 minutes diligently explaining stick safety, making it clear the blades are to always stay on the ground, but there is a 382% chance that within 10 seconds of handing out the sticks a swordfight will break out.

-Even if they’re plastic, floor hockey pucks really hurt if they hit you just so on the shin bone.

-Don’t leave your cell phone unattended during games, unless you want to have an awkward conversation with someone as to why they received a profane, poorly spelled text message from your number.

-It’s hard not to feel awkward when you pull up to an elementary school in a white van.

-If part of your reason for signing up to teach floor hockey is that it’ll get you in shape, you probably shouldn’t be eating chicken nuggets and fries for lunch every day.

-During a scrimmage, when you set up in front of the net, feel a defender leaning into you, assume it’s a fellow teacher and throw an elbow to get them off you, well, maybe turn around first to make sure it’s a fellow teacher and not one of the bigger kids. And if that kid happens to go down in a heap, run back down to the other end of the floor before too many people realize what happened and questions start getting asked.

-Passing drills are completely forgotten once the scrimmages start.

-While demonstrating shooting technique in front of the entire group, make sure you hit the net. Otherwise you’ll never hear the end of it.

-Speaking of things you never hear the end of, when you have an open net, and the 10-year-old goalie sprawls across the crease and makes a miraculous diving save off your one-timer, just pack up and leave for the day.

-When you break into a sweat after the stretching routine, it’s probably not a good sign.

-I will never again question it when teachers demand a raise. Give ’em what they want. They deserve it.

I say this all in jest. Well, except the part about me being out of shape. It’s really been a lot of fun. But with clinics 3-4 days a week for the next 5 weeks, don’t expect a whole lot of action on the blog. Of course, by now you should know better than that with this blog, but I feel like I should at least mention it.

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